Feeling Good

Wanna hear the news?

You know that thing I told you about on that one day regarding those things only guys have? Yeah. Well, mine aren't as bad as I thought they would be!

I should've known WebMD was out to get me.

The doctor called me today and told me the good news: I have varicocele. I know that may not sound like good news to you (or even a real word) but that means not only am I cancer-free, but I get to keep ALL of my self. It truly puts my mind at rest knowing that I am in the clear of such a scary disease. However, this turmoil isn't over quite yet.

To clarify, varicocele is the widening of the veins along the spermatic cord. These nuisances cause blood to backup and flow improperly, eventually causing a lack of oxygen to reach the "boys of the south" then leading to infertility.

I'll take infertility over cancer and/or losing a piece of me any day.

The doctor informed me that the next step can go one of two ways: surgery or antibiotics. Either my condition is severe enough that a surgery (proceed with caution to video of surgery) is needed to redirect the blood flow and correct the condition. Or I can resolve my issue with simple antibiotics and good ole rest. But only time will tell.

An update will come soon as to what is decided: surgery or antibiotics?

Until Next Time,
The Intern

Kernia

Hey There!

I’m going to be straight with you all today; I’m going to share something with you that has been worrying me for some time now.

Over the past few years I have had a strong pain in my lower abdomen/frontal groin region: my man nuggets. The pain usually lasted for a day or two and would then dissipate. So of course I didn’t think anything of it. After the pain would stop, I just carried on with my normal everyday routine. And then (a few months to a year later), the pain came back.

Before I continue, I want to clarify for all of you out there saying, “Why didn’t you go to the doctor after the first time stupid”; I follow in my mother’s footsteps. My mother had heart palpitations and (they caused her a great amount of pain) thought nothing of them because the pain subsided after a few days. She does not go to the doctor unless she is either dying or bleeding profusely, and it is the same way with me. I noticed this pain in my man parts and thought “golly, that really hurts” so I rested for a day or two. Once the pain diminished, I thought I was cured and went back to my routine.

However, two weeks ago I was moving out of my apartment into the one I’ll be living in for the upcoming school year, when I experienced more pain than I could bear.

Let’s back up a little though. On that Saturday, I had been moving things (nonstop) for six and a half hours and I couldn’t have felt better in my life. I have been running and exercising all summer, so I felt like I was in pretty good shape. My coin purse thought otherwise. At the end of my move (when I was moving boxes from the living room to my bedroom), I lifted up a back and immediately dropped it! It felt like I had been kicked by King Leonidas.

As all men know, nothing hurts more than a swift kick to the tree roots, but this was SO much worse!

Anyway, after I stood there screaming in agony, I waddled back to the chair and fell in (thinking it would be a good idea). Wrong again! I now felt the pain of a second Spartan kick. However, the pain finally subsided enough to the point where I could at least get up and try to walk it off (because that actually works). Of course, this whole time my friend is asking if I’m okay; if I wanted him to take me to the hospital. I said no (pretty stupid…I know); I decided it would be better if I just go home, sit in the hot bath, and wait it out for a few days.

Skipping forward to last Thursday

I had now not only been in pain (losing my ability to exercise), but I also had more than enough time to utilize the greatest and scariest website of all time: WebMD.

As I’m sitting in my apartment eating everything in sight, I chose to succumb to my curiosity and check my diagnosis on WebMD. Needless to say, I had been completely convinced that I now have man cancer. I cried (not really because men don’t cry…I’m a man). But I was very worried that I’d be losing one of my boys. At that point I knew it was time for the doctor. And let me tell you what! There was no point of going to that guy: Dr. Bigg.

I walked in the office, followed Dr.Bigg to his dungeon(esk) room, and gave him a real good look. You know what he tells me? “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, so I’ll schedule an ultrasound for you. You’ll go in next week.”

WHAT?!?! You can't just leave a guy hanging!

Skipping ahead to Tuesday

I go in for my ultrasound. You would think lying on a table for an hour while a lady pours lube on your nether-region and runs her hand back and forth would be a good time, but it wasn’t. All I could think about was, “Why is she focusing on the same spot twice? Why is she clicking buttons? Why is this taking so long?” I’ll admit that I was worried; what guy wouldn’t be?

Finally, after our one hour of alone time, she lets me get dressed and leads me to the front room and tells me I’ll get my results within 24-48 hours. She just let me go! She didn’t say whether she saw something or if I was fine and I had nothing to worry about; she didn’t tell me anything.

Skipping to Today

It has been more than 48 hours…and no sign of results. What am I thinking? I think the doctor got my results, found something wrong with me, and decided he’ll just let me suffer.

*SIDE NOTE* I will admit that all of the anticipation and worry has allowed my brain to concentrate on other things rather than my pain: I don’t notice it too much when I’m anxious.

However, I am going to wait until tomorrow to call the office for the results.

All the while, I’ll be sitting here with my fingers crossed hoping it’s something as simple as an infection.

Until Next Time,

The Intern

It's Only Wednesday?!?

Happy Hump Day!

Per the usual, today I'll pleasure you with a giggle (or two) and leave you with a smile on your face.

*SIDE NOTE* Today's hump day post is separated into a few (but hilariously funny) stories.

Enjoy!

Keep It In The Classroom

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, 
"I have a question for YOU."

"There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher (blushing a great deal) replies,
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on........but I like your thinking."

Always Know Your Surroundings

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. So he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. 

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy (it being his first time and all).

That night, the boy meets his girlfriend at the door of her parents' house, "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. He quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and he's still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Nothing Gets Past 'Em

When I was six months pregnant (with my third child), my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready for a shower. 

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" 

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." 

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

Math: What a Son of a *itch

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a *itch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a *itch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" 

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." 

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. 

"Yes," he answered. 

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" 

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." 

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a *itch is four?" 

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


Last, but certainly not least:

You Don't Mess With A Cardinals Fan

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Cubs fans too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan was (but wanting to be like their teacher), their hands explode into the air.

There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Cubs fan.”

"Then what are you?" asked the teacher.

“I’m proud to be a St. Louis Cardinals fan,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cardinals fan.

“Well, my dad and mom are Cardinals fans, so I’m a Cardinals fan too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause.

“Then,” says the girl (with a smile), “I’d be a Cubs fan.”


As always, I hope you enjoyed these little stories and are leaving happier than when you came.

Until Next Time,
The Intern

The Whole Fam Damily

Hello Again!

I’ve been reading through quite a few blogs over the past couple of weeks. For those of you following me, I’ve noticed that your blogs contain a lot of info regarding your life at home (the moments usually overlooked by most). It’s quite touching really. I feel like we have a special bond; I feel like if we were to pass each other in the street I would be able to talk all about you and your family! I could talk about that time you went to the pool and little Jimmy was brave enough to take off his floaties. Or maybe the time you and Susie went to the park and she fell off the monkey bars.

But it’s not fair that I would do all of the talking now is it? So I suppose it’s time for you to meet MY family!

James Sirius Potter: He is my oldest. 

His first year at Hogwarts.

Most of you won’t admit that you have a favorite child, but I’m not afraid to: James is my favorite. I’ve set the highest standards for this boy. Just as was expected of me, my son is to be the next GREAT within the House of Gryffindor that Hogwarts has ever seen (besides myself of course). So far he hasn’t lived up to his name, but surely he’ll come around. If not, then Albus Severus Potter will have to step up to the plate.

Albus Severus Potter: Albus is my second oldest. He is shyer than most kids his age; he doesn’t talk much, but when he does you’ll see that he is the smartest kid. I worry about him sometimes though. He seems too interested in my past. He’s always asking me questions about my adventures and my quarrels with Voldem You-Know-Who and he wants EVERY detail. Other than that, I don’t have to worry about this kid too much (unlike his brother). But once/if he starts with his parseltongue, then he’s out of here; I am NOT dealing with that again!

Lily Luna Potter: My beautiful girl Lily is the youngest of my kids. Although she is the most adorable of all my children, she is by far the most moody! I hope no parent ever has to go through a tantrum like Lily threw when James got his letter from Hogwarts and she didn’t. I thought her hair was red before, but I can swear it was on fire that day. Don’t misunderstand me though, that red hair puts me at ease; if a dementor were to come after her she won’t have to worry about her soul being taken.

Last (but certainly not least), my wife:

Ginny (Weasley) Potter: The love of my life. The (other) half to my whole. My one true soul mate. I don’t know what I would do without my beautiful wife, Ginny.

Who am I kidding! Of course Ginny and I had a fling during our school years, but everyone knows I was (am) in love with Hermione Granger. But it turns out that (although he most definitely does not deserve her) Ron was a better fit in her life. I mean, wake up Hermione!! Was he the “Chosen One”? Did he defeat Volde You-Know-Who? Is he rich?!?! Get your act together! Dig out your time-turner and spin away; go back and take me for everything that I am (you were obviously confused back then when you chose Ron).

You've loved me since 2nd year.

Until Next Time,
The Intern

Throw Away the Anti-Aging Cream

Hey There,

Because the consensus is that I am merely 10 or 12; I did a little research into things that make people look old(er).

• Facial hair is a must to look like an old(er) man; unfortunately my body hates me and only allows hair to grow on my chin, neck, upper-lip, and sideburns/cheeks. To solve this issue, I have decided I will replicate a beard via coffee grounds glued to my face. I am such a genius!!

• Height is yet another trait associated with manly-men. Not that I'm a hobbit (2 to 4 feet), but my 5' 10" body hasn't quite landed me the role for Man of the Year. If Robert Downey Jr. can use them to look like a tall hunk of man-meat, then so can I: shoe lifts it is!!

• Suits (need I say more ladies). Of course a guy can't wear just any suit, rather he has to be wearing designer quality (i.e. Gucci, Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, etc.). Surely designer tags sewn on my Goodwill suits will do the trick!

If I actually put these tips to use, this would be the new and old(er) me:

However, I am NOT going to do that. After reading your comments (and researching the above), I realized something. But before I tell you what is I realized, I wanna play a game.

Guess the age of these men (without using Google). 

To reveal the answer, highlight directly under the pictures to reveal their age.

I'm 51.

      I'm 73.

I'm 44.

What I'm trying to say here (and what I realized) is...I'm flattered!


Nicki.

You're too sweet!

And Becky!!

I feel blessed that you would rank me with Chuck Norris and Hugh Jackman. The way I'm looking at this situation is that if you think I look 10 or 12 now, then I'll be Tom Cruise when I'm 51. Can't argue with that!

Until Next Time,
The Intern


PS-For those of you who don't actually know how old I really am: I am 20 years young.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!

I do not advertise for Geico, nor do I take credit for this video.

Wednesdays suck because although you are finally past Monday, 2 days separate you from Friday. So to lighten your mood (as well as my own), I come bearing wonderful laughs and simple giggles for all to experience.

Because nearly every blogger seems to be a woman or mother (no bitterness in this statement at all...I love me some women), I've themed this Hump Day after children. And get your head out of the gutter; you know what I meant.

Enjoy!


When surveyed, these were the answers received by a group of young children:


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 
When they’re rich.-Pam, age 7 (her mother taught her well)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?-Kelvin, age 8 

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-Kristen, age 10 

Kids vs. Teachers:

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct, now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Glenn: KROKODIAL
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Glenn: Maybe it was wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: ME!

Hopefully you got a good laugh out of these (at least a giggle will suffice). 

I know I said this would be a children themed Hump Day post, but I came across quite an interesting fact today. 

As many of you already know, I am the intern working with Holly Stanfield this summer.

*Side Note* Check out her blog if you haven't already. 

Throughout my time with her, I have come to realize that one thing really stands out with her: she hates (and I mean HATES) to drink either tap water or water from a plastic bottle. As a matter of fact, today she bought a bottle of Aquafina purified water and said she was afraid to drink anymore because it tasted horrible. Anyway, to Holly (and all of you reading this), you may want to consider sticking with alcohol from now on. 

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E. Coli (bacteria found in feces). In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering, and fermenting.

So remember:
Water = Poop
Alcohol = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink alcohol and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Until Next Time,
The Intern

Did You Hear What I Heard?

Listen up!

This one's for all you (undiscovered) wizards, witches, squibs, and mudbloods: we finally have somewhere we'll belong!

*Side note* I left out muggles for a very good reason...they don't belong.

Anyway, a little owl told me (no it's not Hedwig...she's dead) that London AND Diagon Alley are coming to the United States! Yes you read that correctly; we won't need to waste our Floo powder or fly across the Atlantic Ocean on our broomsticks to purchase our school supplies. Let's face it...we all know it's hard trying to balance those cauldron's, but doing it while sitting on a piece of wood is a real pain in the ass.

"OMG this is such a pain in my ass!"

I don't know if you have had the delightful opportunity to visit Hogsmeade and Hogwarts yet (the fake ones for Muggles in Universal Studio's Wizarding World of Harry Potter), but if you have then you'll want to start saving your money for a trip back.

Before you continue though, I have to ask those of you who haven't gone yet to do me a favor: Be so kind as to remove your hand from the mouse, look at it as if something is on your palm, and SMACK YOURSELF IN THE FACE!!!

Don't beat yourself up too much though, because redemption lays at the end.

To veer back on topic: you need to start saving your money now because the new expansion of Harry Potter World arrives next summer! As we speak, London AND Diagon Alley are being built in Universal Studios Orlando (where Jaws used to be). But it doesn't end there; oh no they are giving us EXACTLY what we asked for. They are building a fully functional (that means you can ride in it) Hogwarts Express!!

I have read that they will be putting a larger Ollivander's Wand Shop, The Leaky Cauldron (a feature restaurant), Gringotts Bank with a fire breathing dragon and a roller-coaster through the underground vaults, and much much more. An artist rendering of what the park will look like has been released and confirmed (by a Warner Brothers and Universal Studios designer) that it is quite accurate. Take a look.

If you want to do a little of your own research (heaven forbid you actually find information on your own), Ricky Brigante has done a marvelous job at uncovering some details regarding the new expansion. I lack the proper resources (i.e. I have a full-time job) to go and find this info on my own.

There you have it! Harry Potter has made itself into your lives through my fingers, so you better appreciate it!

For those of you who need redemption (probably most of you) here is your chance.

True or False: Harry Potter is Severus Snape's favorite student.

Until Next Time,
The Intern

PS-If you find any updated info about the new expansion to Harry Potter World, you should totes let me know (I'll return the favor).